


look up at the stars (and lose yourself in the galaxies)

by pen_light



Series: babbles from one in the am [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Amnesia, Angst, Blood, Castiel Whump, M/M, Not fluffy AT ALL, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 02:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14510196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pen_light/pseuds/pen_light
Summary: It wasn’t supposed to end like this. A solo mission. A simple extraction. A run of the mill task. It was something they were all used to doing. Something he was used to doing.The galaxy glimmered in the faint rays of the light traveling across the board, capturing glances of the space travelers through the rather large, crystal clear windows. There was the slightest hint of frost on the edges of the windows, the areas where the metal and glass met. No one paid much attention to it.Dean Winchester didn’t care. He couldn’t find it within himself when his mind, body, and soul were already preoccupied with something else. Someone else.alt; When a minor extraction mission goes wrong, Dean Winchester and Castiel each lose more than they can account for.





	look up at the stars (and lose yourself in the galaxies)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is like a day late (V SORRY) for the deancaswritingchallenge on tumblr
> 
> either way here it is. 
> 
> i didnt edit it much bc i barely have time. its crunch time and aps time in school. i had made a few hours over the weekend, but a readjustment of assignments messed my schedule up
> 
> anyways... enjoy?

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. A solo mission. A simple extraction. A run of the mill task. It was something they were all used to doing. Something  _he_  was used to doing.

The galaxy glimmered in the faint rays of the light traveling across the board, capturing glances of the space travelers through the rather large, crystal clear windows. There was the slightest hint of frost on the edges of the windows, the areas where the metal and glass met. No one paid much attention to it.

Dean Winchester sat along a windowsill in the infirmary. The slope, rounded corners weren’t helpful in creating the most comfortable seat, but the officer couldn’t care less. He was hunched over, his elbows rested on his knees, hands holding his face by bolstering his chin. His left leg was moving up and down quite furiously. His gaze was trained for a small speck on the tiles in front of him.

The chill from the windows to the edges conducted itself through the space man’s sturdy suit. Given a few moments, the cold was numbing. Given a few more moments, the cold was starting to sting. If he waited long enough, the cold would cause a nasty case of frostbite.

Dean Winchester didn’t care. He couldn’t find it within himself when his mind, body, and soul were already preoccupied with something else.

A rather tall man approached him with light and careful footsteps.

“Any news?” A soft, hushed voice asked.

Dean’s silence was the answer. His leg continued to move, his eyes remained on the spot, and the cold continued to sting.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“Dean?” The second time Sam approached his brother, he was even more cautious than before.

Dean should’ve acknowledge the split second of suspicion that followed through.

“He’s awake.”

The man’s leg stopped shaking. He looked up to meet his younger sibling’s eyes, ignoring whatever pain was bleeding through the tired, solemn eyes. He didn’t need the heartbreak from another person. He’s already got the suspicion to deal with.

Dean shakes his head and ignores both his brother and the skeptical undertone.

He really should’ve paid attention to that suspicion.

 

* * *

 

 

Quite obviously, the mission had gone wrong.

How it went wrong was the mystery that troubled the entire crew. Three members were sent over to a lingering, small, “forgotten” planet to gather supplies. It’s what  _terrans_ would describe as a convenience store stop in the middle of a highway during a road trip through the mountains.

Harmless. Right?

There was an ambush. At least, it seemed that way. When the rescue team had arrived, weapons were scattered everywhere and anywhere. There were minimal signs of defense from the fellow crew members, all these details pointing to the apparent element of surprise.

Of the three members, two were easily found and taken into medical. It took minutes of resuscitation to bring their breathing patterns and heart beats along a thready yet relatively safe pace. Given a few more moment of medical, the two were stable enough to transport to the rescue ships.

The third member, the highest in command, was another story. It took about an hour to find him. And when they did, it wasn’t a pretty sight. He was found at the bottom of a ditch, between two large, jagged rocks. Blood was pooling, but it wasn’t evident from where, and when the medics arrived at the scene, it was hard to pinpoint which injury had bled the most. There were bruises on the face, and blood in the face. The face was recognizable, but, with the pale skin and blue lips from the blood loss and cold, frankly, it was “dead” look.

Dean wished he hadn’t seen it at all. What was left of Castiel was nothing but a corpse, amid the ghost of a pulse and the fragments of breaths that were coming from his constricted chest. Dean wasn’t even sure he recalled the image right. It was all in a hurry, and time hadn’t slowed down enough when it froze upon the discovery.

He trudged through, trying his best to lead the team with a cool head. There wasn’t much to lead, though. Castiel needed to be moved as quick as possible before they lost him.

Dean thought he heard a medic say “again”.

Suspicious, but the officer didn’t dare think that way. A day and a few hours later, while he waited outside the operating/treatment room in the infirmary, he didn’t dare think that way again.

 

* * *

 

Dean entered the hospital room. Never had he thought white lights in a white room would be as dreadful as it was then. They were blinding, intensifying the irking of a migraine in the back of the man’s head.

In the middle of the room, on a frail, barely padded bed, was Castiel. The machines next to him were beeping with slow intervals. His eyes were closed, breathing shallow, and pallor pale. If it weren’t for the faint ups and downs of his chest, Dean’s first evaluation would have been “dead”.

“A majority of his injuries,” the doctor began, flipping through the digital files in the holographic computer next to the bed. “are in his head. The physical one we were able to mend with medicine and quick, radiating therapy.”

“What do you mean in his head?” Sam asked warily. He kept his distance from his brother, taking place on the other side of Castiel’s bed.

The doctor sighed. “This is probably one of the most severe concussions I’ve seen in my career. It’s as intense as what a pilot would get if they were braced properly in their seats at take off.”

Dean shut his eyes.

“Will he wake up?” Sam asked in a small voice. He was looking at his brother.

“Yes. Thankfully, he will. We just aren’t sure what state he’ll be in,” The doctor explained. He made a few additions to the file before shutting the program off. Taking a step back, he cleared his throat. “I’ll be leaving now. Give you some time. Call me if anything happens.”

Sam nodded. Dean locked eyes with his brother and gulped. They waited for the footsteps to become distant into silence before speaking.

“He’ll be better.”

“How can you say that?” Dean muttered. His entire stature was tense, like he was holding back. Sam knew he was holding back.

“Because he’s Cas. He always comes back.”

 _Not from this_ , Dean almost said. Instead, he just looked away, to a particularly interesting dot right above the injured man’s head. His head was ringing, his eyes stinging, and hands itching.

Time lost itself in the harrowing quiet that draped the room. Eventually, Sam brought their seats closer. The two sat. Dean somehow found himself reaching for and entwining his fingers with Cas’.

Once again, he drifted into staring. His leg jumped up and down, his body tense, his jaw aching from the rigidity, and his migraine pulsing.

“Dean,” Sam whispered urgently. “Dean!”

The older blinked and immediately squeezed the hand he was holding. His eyes shot to Cas’ face, who was mid-wake.

The said man groaned and stirred. Sam almost stood up from his seat. Dean almost fell leaning over.

And then, the ice, crystal blue eyes opened. They were striking yet calming, and Dean felt a part of him relax.

“Cas?” He called. Slowly, he brought a hand to the other’s shoulder and lightly shook. “Hey. Cas? Are you with us?”

Castiel continued to blink, his pupils finding their focus in the blinding white light. The brothers stayed silent for a moment, giving their friend the time he needed to properly wake up.

Castiel smacked his lips and took in a deep breath.

Dean tried again. “Cas?” Sam smiled slightly.

Castiel frowned. He winced before speaking. “W-who’s Cas?” he croaked, the crack in his voice alarming him.

Dean’s grip on the hand loosened.

“What do you mean?” Sam pushed. “You’re Cas. Cas, it’s us.” He pointed at himself and Dean.

The dread was already drowning.

“I’m Cas?” Castiel questioned. He frowned more and looked between the brothers. “Who are— I’m sorry,” he straightened out. “I don’t seem to remember you guys. Are you friends of mine?”

Dean dropped the hand.

 

* * *

 

Days passed by. Gabriel, Castiel’s older brother, helped the younger in adjusting back into his life. They kept the information pace slow, for too much at once had Castiel doubling over and clutching his head as intense pain pierced through his brain.

Details were coming by slow. Castiel understood a lot for the most part.

He was a general officer with conditional responsibilities for the IMAPALA ship. They were on a mission to explore space. Simple stuff.

He was the younger brother of Gabriel. He had a few close cousins aboard ship as well, such as Hannah, Anna, and Balthazar. That was easy to catch up on. Castiel couldn’t help but feel relieved as he fit right in.

He was best friends with Sam and Dean Winchester. The details of their meeting was yet to be discussed, for, according to Gabriel, it was “too complicated” for even him to explain. Sam claimed it wasn’t that important. And Castiel, finding comfort in the giant’s presence, couldn’t help but accept the reason. If it wasn’t important, why push for it?

For the most part, things were smooth.

Except—except, for when Castiel was around Dean. Supposedly, he was a part of the “Team Free Will” Trio. But, every time the blue eyed approached the green eyed one, a thick cloud of discomfort formed between them. Castiel tried not to think too much of it. Perhaps he was always closer to Sam instead.

The sad part was that, it wasn’t that simple. The emptiness wasn’t that simple to explain. And neither was the glimpses of sad green eyes that haunted Castiel on hours at end.

It wasn’t that simple. But Castiel, as was needed, forced it to be.

 

* * *

 

“Dean!”

“What?!”

Castiel froze. He backtracked. Leaning a little backwards and sidewards, he squinted as he peered into the quarters through the small crack in between the doors. Sam was looming over his brother, who was seemingly busy packing for something. The taller had worry creasing his forehead, making Castiel all the more curious.  

“Dean, you’ve got to talk to me.”

“About what?” The older tried to play it off. Sam made a face (Gabriel called it the “bitch face”), staring until Dean looked over and rolled his eyes.

“About him. About this. About what you’re going to do—” Dean rolled his eyes again and brushed Sam off. “Don’t give me that! I can see the look in your eyes.”

“It’s none of your business.” Castiel shivered. The words were cold.

Sam threw his hands up in the air. “I’d like to think it is. You’re my brother and he’s my best friend.”

“Was.”

“What?” The younger froze. So did Castiel.

“Was your best friend.”

“What are you saying?” Sam whispered. He walked up to Dean. “He may be lost, but he’ll come back. He always does.”

Castiel held his breath.

Dean stopped what he was doing. Taking in a deep breath, the older spoke slowly, as if he were explaining something to a kid. “He’s gone, Sam. Gone. They can’t do anything because we don’t know jack shit about the brain. He’s gone and, frankly, there’s apparently nothing we can do.”

“Apparently? Whatever you’re thinking…. it’s too dangerous, Dean.”

Dean smiled brokenly, a sight that made Castiel feel a tug at his heart. He continued to hold his breath.  _“Best friend?”_  he thought, but cut himself off before his mind drifted away.

“That’s just it. It wasn’t supposed to be,” Dean whispered, giving up. His shoulders sagged, defeated. Castiel, similarly, slowly let his breath out. “It shouldn’t have been this way.”

“Dean, we don’t know what went wrong,” Sam tried to reassure. “We couldn’t have known.”

The words did just the opposite, and Castiel blinked as he saw a flash of change in demeanor in the older. “We should have. We should have known.”

“Dean…”

Castiel leaned back, his head reeling, his breath beginning to become shallow.  _“Best friend.” “Gone.” “Wasn’t supposed to be.”_  and yet there still was something missing. A gap in those words. In those clues.

“I’m going. Don’t try to stop me.”

Before Castiel could hear a response, he ran.

 

* * *

 

Castiel stood along the windowsill. He was holding a tray with classic, dry, dull astronaut food. There were still about 3 hallways and 4 turns before he reached his quarters. In reality it was just a few steps. But the amnesiac couldn’t bring himself to move.

Fixated in that position, Castiel sighed and looked down at his food. It was jumbled. Nothing was in the compartment it was meant to be in. Castiel had haphazardly thrown the plate together, something along the lines of he “needed food to live”. It was kind of like the vast galaxy that stretched beyond the thin layer of glass next to him. Everything was just thrown around. The only difference was the beauty of the chaotic arrangement. The way the stars and the mo—

He really should move.

Ever since the eavesdropping, a few hours back, Castiel found himself continuously spiraling into a abyss of confusion and suspension. His consciousness felt like it was floating in the said galaxy, reaching for something, for an orbit, for a system, for  _anything_. Even physically, within the few hours, Castiel’s brief onset of a migraine turned into a perpetual state of transcending to a place between reality and whatever it was that Castiel was stuck around.

He really,  _really_  needed to move.

There’s running in the background. There’s fast footsteps in the background. Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to look at who it was.

“Sam? Where’s Dean?” Gabriel.

“I can’t seem to talk any sense into him.” Sam.

Castiel looked out the large, tall windows again. A flicker of light from the other of the end of the ship caught his view. He tilted his head just the slightest as his brows furrowed in confusion.

“You can’t find him either?”

“Where’s Cas?”

“Speak of the devil, he’s right there.”

Castiel ignored the conversation behind him. It easily became white noise. He simply focused on trying to decipher what he was looking at and why. It was an escape pod, he came to realize. But who was in it, and why?

“Gabe, we need to find Dean.”

Castiel’s face completely changed. It fell, or stilled, or relaxed, whatever it did, it didn’t matter at the moment. Because in that escape pod, as the mini ship circled its way around the ship and came just a little closer, Castiel saw who it was.

“Why, what’s he about to do?”

“I’m not sure. He stormed off before we could reach that part of the conversation. But it’s something dumb for sure.”

The blonde hair and particularly “cold eyes” were too particular for Castiel to not recognize at the moment. Yeah. That and the hint of green. Those were the details that brought forth the recognition.

Gabriel gave Sam a look. “Did you expect anything different?”

“No,” Sam sighed. “I knew this was coming. It still wasn’t enough preparation.”

Castiel simply watched as Dean flew away in the small tin can. It was Dean. And Dean was leaving. And suddenly, being suspended felt less important than the fact that Dean was leaving.

“With them,” Gabriel looked over his shoulder. His eyes were solemn as he scanned his frozen brother. “I don’t think it will ever be. For them and us.”

Castiel tried to look away. He couldn’t not until his gaze followed the pod until it disappeared into the distance. Until Dean disappeared into the stars.

When Dean was gone, he walked.

 

* * *

 

Castiel stood over the pod chamber. The double doors were closed. The lights were off. The only luminescence came from the neon strips laced around the edges of the pathways and walls as a guiding mechanism. Castiel couldn’t help but notice how the blue reflected off of the sleek, metal walls very smoothly, quite seamlessly.

Castiel was clutching onto his identification card tightly. His fingers were clammy and shaky and the man couldn’t figure out why.

It was a simple task. He just had to swipe the card through the slot and the doors would open. But why did he want the doors to open again? What was behind the barricade that he couldn’t bring himself to walk away from? What was waiting for himself that he lost track of reality, left his food, and forgot how to breathe?

Throughout this whole ordeal, Castiel hadn’t spoken a word. The only cohesive reaction he was produced was to Gabriel when the older mentioned his pale pallor. It was when Gabriel had run after him following his conversation with Sam.

“Kiddo, you okay? You look like you could use some air.”

Considering the suggestion astute, Castiel gave the older a tight lipped smile as a gesture of agreement. He robotically turned and handed his food plate to Gabriel before running off towards the chambers.

Castiel was anxious to speak. He wasn’t sure how it’d carry through the muddled state he was in.

He swiped the card. And the doors opened to reveal separate pods. Out of the 8 in this quarter, on of them was missing.

Castiel took in a deep breath. The reemerging fog cleared.

Right. Dean.

The image of Dean’s face in the pod flashed through Castiel’s brain.

He walked forward. Lost. Understanding. Lost again.

There was something he was missing. Something he was not being told.

The space man crouched over in the escape pod next to Dean’s. He shakily tapped at the controls and sealed it shut.

The anxiety and fear returned. It wasn’t so much about what was behind the closed doors and in the chamber, but where it would eventually lead him. Somehow, Castiel knew the answers weren’t on the ship. Answers had left with the mini tin can moments ago. Answers were with  _Dean_.

The destination from the last departure appeared on the screen. The location’s timestamp matched the range when Castiel caught that glimpse in the large, large windows.

Castiel sighed. He remembered to breathe. He settled himself from his transcended state of “zero gravity” into the physical state in the pod. Food was another worry for another moment.

He tapped and closed his eyes.

The countdown began.

And he launched.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh sorry if it’s a little messy. i barely editted. i literally almost had this done in time but then my college professor had to change the dates of some assignments around and i had to tackle those first. literally im about to work on this 8 page paper due tmrw… hoped you guys liked it at least a little bit tho. 
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr, tho! my url is pen-light


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